Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
that's an acceptable place to lick
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
