She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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