What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
