We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
