I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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