She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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