I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
