I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
