i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
