Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
