last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
3pm strippers are depressing
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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