Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
