Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
