Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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