an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
