Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
