David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
