for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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