there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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