nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
