"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
