Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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