about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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