wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
