Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
