Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize