dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
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