Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
