Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
