I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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