You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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