textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
