Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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