He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize