Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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