So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
