and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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