Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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