i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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