Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
