I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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