I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
