i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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