found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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