I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
