my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize