So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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