BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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