i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
