My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
