Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize