It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize