Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
